Youth, Beauty, and the Pursuit of the Self

“You may not appreciate this book at your age.”

I had already skimmed the book and knew I’d love it.

I must have looked at her quizzically because she offered, “You’re in college, right?”

No, no, no. I am not in college.

That was so last year.

Could this woman not see the wrinkle under my left eye? My smile that is not as white as it was at 18? My voice sounding lower and rougher the more I strip it from its youthful soprano range? We were on a four hour train ride back up to New York and had just begun chatting over the book, “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I declared proudly, “I’m 25.”

She didn’t flinch. Actually, she seemed affirmed in her original prediction.

I wanted her to think I’d “get” the book.

“I’ve been working for a year.”

She explained, “This book has such depth!”

I sat back. At 25, I was apparently depth-less.

I spent the rest of the ride struggling to accept myself for what I look like and to figure out how I feel about the perception of Others.

Every other ad on TV promises some concoction to make us look younger. Creams, pills, diets, potions of all sorts, take lines away and melt age right off; spots disappear and hairlines grow in.

The pursuit of youth is more than casual in our society. It is an obsession. Looking youthful is the ultimate end.

The older I get and the more I am told that I look “so young!” two thoughts collide. One: “I do not look 17! How dare you!” Two: “Yes! I’ve still got it!”

My own pursuit of looking youthful isn’t so much that it is something to regain, but rather something to retain. I secretly (not so secretly because it’s in a blog), revel in the knowledge that I’ve apparently aged slower than my peers. I also secretly wonder if this is all such a good thing. Perhaps if I didn’t look so young others would see the depth I swear I have.

On the train, my red, Eastern Mountain Sports backpack was at my feet. It has been around the world, in and out of many, many, gyms, held biology books, Shakespeare anthologies, atonal theory texts, clothing, food, toiletries, and so on. I loved it in high school. I loved it in college. I love it now. I concede that the backpack may have led this innocent woman to think I was in college.

Or…

Maybe it was clothing. My thin, college-cheap t-shirt had the initials “UNH” plastered on the front. My super casual jeans were torn at the bottom where they drag on the ground. My brown, leather, Bass shoe-sandals, look simply unwearable (my mother begs me to retire them) from years of shuffling from class to class in all weather and states of consciousness.

Or…

Maybe it’s was the ponytail. I should give that up. Hmm…should I? Oh my gosh, I need advice, is there a saint for this? The path to adulthood is difficult to navigate and it would be great to have specific advice on appearance.

Do I contrive a new appearance because of some unwritten rule that I’m supposed to look a certain way at a certain age? Perhaps the real question is: How can I reflect visually the respect and appreciation I have for my physical existence?

This leads us to the question of beauty.

Psalm 139:13-14 states,

You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am wondrously made.
Wonderful are your works!

God made each and every one of us. We may or may not like the total result, but we have to appreciate the fact that we were wondrously made and that God’s works are beautiful. In our delicate unborn selves, in our rambunctious childhood, in the awkward teen years (uh, why don’t my arms fit my body?), and as we enter into adulthood, gaining one beautiful wrinkle at a time- in all of this, we must recognize the almightiness of the Creator.

I arrived home and looked long and hard in the mirror.

A new wrinkle. It’s a grin line. I should have shown her.

“Look! I have depth! I can read the stupid pop-culture book! Just today I got a new line!”

My thoughts on this topic have led me to resolve FINALLY to get over a few things and move forward!

Number one: I resolve never to ask anyone, “How old do you think I am?” If someone asks me how old I am, I will simply answer truthfully and move on.

Number two: I resolve not to be astonished when I don’t think someone looks their age. No two people are alike, nor will any two people age alike. Let’s build a bridge and get over it.

Number three: I resolve to be at peace with time and how time and life affect my body. This does not mean that I will be lazy in my health. Simply, I accept that the design of my body is such that youth of the flesh is not perpetual.

As the woman and I were about to exit the train, she turned to me and asked what I did for a living. I told her and we chatted for a few moments before exiting. By then I’d reflected on the fact that the way I presented myself on the train did indeed make me look like I was in college. I felt badly for being so defensive about my apparent lack of depth. I should have done the ‘smile and nod’ instead of the ‘defend and explain.’

Wondrously made.

That’s us.

What a relief.

What's Up With the "Hook-Up" Culture?

We live in a “hook-up” culture.

The exact definition of a “hook-up” means entirely different things to different sets of people.

For some, it’s sex.
For others, it’s making-out.
For others, it’s everything in-between.

Perhaps it’s just the current colloquial way of asking if a relationship has a physical aspect to it.

People ask each other, “Hey, did you guys ‘hook-up?’

“Dude, yeah, but it was nothin’”

Why do we live in a world in which people “hook-up” on a first date? A first date, wherein many times, is the first time two people have had a chance to really talk and interact with one another. What compels us (except for hormones of course) to “hook-up,” with someone who we may barely even know?

Do we really have no discipline at all?
Do we really think it’s going to help the relationship move forward? (Hint: The faster the physical relationship goes, the faster the relationship itself ends.)
Do we really think that everyone else is living this way and so we must as well?

I do think that we have discipline.
I do think that we know from our own past experiences and from watching friend’s relationships that a fast physical relationship does not equal a long lasting and strong relationship.
I do think that we know that not everyone is living this way and that we can choose how we live.

So what’s the deal? If we’re all so smart, why does the “hook-up” culture persist?

This is my theory: I’m thinking that people give into the temptation to “hook-up” in part because we have a difficult time trusting God in the “relationship category” of our lives.

Trusting God with something as abstract as relationships is no easy thing.

Instead of trusting God, perhaps in a ‘hook-up’ culture, we are literally and figuratively grasping at whatever is in front of us as if it is our last chance!

“It might be the last opportunity for a long time to kiss someone, may as well make the most of it!”

“May die tomorrow, don’t want to die a virgin!”

How quickly we forget that God created us, God loves us, and that God wants the best for us. If it our vocation is to get married and raise a family, we don’t need to be grasping (figuratively and literally) at whoever is immediately in front of us. We do need to be patient. We do need to trust God. We do need to know that everything will work out. We do not need to ‘hook-up.’

I Do Not Want To Read Your Bum

So I have this thing about pants that have words on the backside.


I first saw this sort of pant while at the gym in college. I walked in, looked to my left and there was this girl with pants on that had the initials "UNH" on the bum.

The girl was on the stairmaster and there her backside went, up and down, up and down.

"UNH, UNH."

Right then and there I thought, "Whoa, I could get pants that say, "Pro-Life." One syllable on each "side." Then I could get on the stairmaster and evangelize via my bum.

That was several years ago.

The trend has spiraled on and it's no longer college girls wearing words on their bums. It's children. Children now have all sorts of words on their bums and I just don't like it. What is next, babies with words on the backside of their onesies?

(Of note, I've never seen men with words on their bums.)

So apparently, ladies, our bums are now billboards.

For the longest time I couldn't figure out why people had the word "PINK" on their bums. After a bit of research, it turns out that "PINK" is a fashion label and truly, when you wear their pants, you are advertizing for them on your bum.



Why does this bother me? I mean, we've been wearing words across our chest for quite sometime. I grew up with that norm, maybe I'm innoculated to it.

I've discovered in my own amateur search for the "rules of modesty" that the "rules" are either so abstract that you have no idea where to even begin, or so rigid that you think "there's no way I'm going to live this."

In between the open-ended "no rules at all" and the no-room for your own judgement "bring a ruler to measure the length of your skirts" guidelines, there needs to be some common sense.

Yes. I'm pretty sure that modesty, as it relates to clothing, can be discovered by using good ol' common sense.

As for myself, common sense tells me not to have a word (or a sound, "grrrr" shouldn't be on your bum either) on your bum.

The moral of the story is: Don't reject the notion of modesty or any inkling of desire to explore modesty just because the world is perpetually trying to figure out what "modesty" means for our culture and time.

Instead, look in the mirror and just be honest with yourself. You are a wonderful creation of God. And your bum is not a billboard.

Headache Over the Issue

Politicians consider abortion to be “the hot button issue,” “a headache,” and “faith meddling with politics.” They dread questions about it, wish it would go away, and do everything possible to keep it from being a central issue of their campaign.

An article titled, “Rudy rolls the dice with abortion issue,” by Craig Gordon, lead the headlines in this mornings Newsday issue. Rudy Giuliani has taken the brilliant stance of ‘it’s morally wrong, but let’s keep it legal!’ on the most emotionally charged issue of our country: abortion.

I wish I could sit down with him and say, “Look, you can’t think that being personally opposed is going to get you the pro-life vote. For crying out loud, we’re not slow. We know that by stating you are personally opposed but want it to be legal, that you care more about the money that Planned Parenthood will give your campaign than the lives of the unborn.”

The article admits, “But Giuliani’s advisers saw no alternative after the rockiest week of his campaign- believing it was better to stand squarely behind his abortion position rather than risk looking wishy-washy or even un-Rudy-life by edging away.”

Yeah, wouldn’t want to uphold the dignity of the unborn. You might look wishy-washy.

The article continues, “But even as Giuliani fought to put abortion behind him heading into Tuesday’s second GOP debate, his headaches over the issue remained…On a political level, the issue shrinks the field for Giuliani -- with as many as one-quarter of Republican primary voters off-limits because they determine their vote mainly on the abortion issue, GOP pollsters say. Beyond that, polls have shown roughly two-thirds of Republicans believe abortion should be illegal all or most of the time.”

If these stats are correct, Giuliani should be nervous. One-quarter of Republicans off-limits, another two-thirds believe abortion should be illegal all or most of the time. This is not a minor part of one’s constituency.

What really bothers me though is the notion that the issue of abortion can be summed up as “a headache.” Each day thousands of women face the agonizing decision of whether to have an abortion or to give birth. In the meantime, politicians are apparently conflicted about what to say about the death of babies and hope the issue to mysteriously go away. The idea that abortion is simply a headache ignores the travesty of abortion in and of itself.

We can never forget that abortion is the direct act of killing an unborn human being. We can never overlook the fact that prior to abortion a human is living in the safest place possible for him or her- inside of a woman. Call it my opinion, but how can women really expect the respect that we rightly claim if in the same breath we think it is okay for our mothers, sisters, daughters and friends to have a human killed inside of them?

If it is a headache of an issue for politicians to deal with, perhaps they should examine why. Is it because they are somehow aware that they are dealing with the death of a little baby?

The only concise statement that has come out of politics in regards to abortion can be traced back to Bill Clinton when he announced that he supported “Safe, legal, rare” abortion. Suddenly abortion was framed as something that the nation can deal with in a compassionate, yet legal way. After all, who can argue with the legality of something if it is both safe and rare?

But wait a minute, if something should be rare, why should it be legal?

If something is safe, why should it be rare?

Can abortion ever be safe for the human being aborted?

The truth is, abortion is never safe for the unborn child. Someone dies every time an abortion is performed. Furthermore, abortion is not mentally, physically, or emotionally healthy for women. The bottom line is, abortion always leaves a baby dead and will always hurt women. These truths are understood by those who want it legal. Why else would they want abortion to be rare?

The article also points out, “For a while, Giuliani was succeeding, largely by downplaying his abortion stance. So perhaps that's the greatest damage Giuliani did to himself in the past week -- he allowed the abortion issue to move to center stage.”

Here we are in the 21st Century, confronted time and again with the legality of terminating the life of a delicate little human and all politicians hope for is that the issue doesn’t “move to center stage.” If it does, they are faced with stating something, anything, about how hey feel about it. The dilemma for politicians is this: Say you’re pro-life and you kiss goodbye the money for your campaign. Say you’re pro-choice and you kiss goodbye the votes of millions of pro-life Americans.

Giuliani told an audience at Houston Baptist University that he thinks that abortion is “morally wrong, but I believe you have to respect their [women's] viewpoint and give them a level of choice. I would grant women the right to make that choice. I am open to seeking ways of limiting abortions, and I am open to decreasing abortions.”

Perhaps his strategists are assuming that someone like myself (female, age 25, advanced degree, New York resident) will not bring my thinking full circle and think, “Wait a minute. Giuliani states that abortion is “morally wrong” but wants to keep it legal so women can choose to do the morally wrong thing.” Why on earth would I vote for someone who wants something he thinks is morally wrong to be legal?

Anyway, I am sure that Giuliani is a very nice person and I would love to have lunch with him.

I just won’t vote for him.